Sense of Who I Am
by fairytaleprincess03
Summary: One-shot set several years after A New Kind of Life. Elise wants to understand where she came from and takes a trip.


**AN: This is a one shot set 12/13 years after A New Kind of Life. I wanted to explore Elise a little bit. Rated M for language and other things. I'm not sure that it's all that good, but it was something that was running around in my head and I wanted to explore it a little bit. The next thing I plan on writing is going to be another few years down the road.**

* * *

**Sense of Who I Am**

The roar of an engine woke Ranger from a relatively peaceful sleep. He'd just spent most of the night making love to his beautiful wife who was curled into him with a content look on her face. He glanced at the clock. It was 5:30 in the morning. Whoever had the car, Julie or Elise, would have trackers, he decided, wrapping an arm around Stephanie and headed back to sleep.

But when he walked into the kitchen the next morning he found a note on the counter with all the trackers from the car. The note read:

_Daddy,_

_We're in the wind. Don't worry; we'll be back in time for Elise to graduate. Love you!_

_-Julie & Elise_

Ranger stared at the note then turned his attention back to the trackers on the counter. He really wanted to worry about his daughters, but the sense of pride that they had managed to elude them brought a grin to his face. He was still grinning when Stephanie walked into the kitchen.

"What are those, Carlos?"

"Trackers from Elise's car."

"What?" Stephanie looked at him accusingly. "I thought you promised to take those out."

Ranger held up the note. "Apparently our daughters are in the wind."

A sly grin came to her face. "Huh. How's that feel for you?"

Ranger chuckled and cornered her. He was about to kiss her senseless when a loud crash came from upstairs. Stephanie sighed. "They're your children."

"Babe."

"Don't babe me."

"You helped." He winked and swatted her on the butt as they walked out of the kitchen to find their youngest two standing at the top of the stairs arguing.

"It's all your fault, CJ!" A little girl was yelling. "I'm telling Daddy!"

"Telling Daddy what?" Ranger asked leaning against the banister.

"Daddy, CJ broke my dollhouse!"

CJ shuffled. "It was a freaking accident!" He grumbled.

"CJ." Ranger said warningly. CJ looked up at him and Ranger took a moment to observe his son. Carlos Jr. looked identical to him when he was twelve with the exception of his blue eyes, which came from his mother. No doubt when he was older his son would continue to look like a replica of himself. He could only hope CJ didn't take up any of his more…annoying habits.

"Cami, we'll get the dollhouse fixed." Stephanie assured her.

Camille looked at her mother. Like her brother, she inherited most of her father's looks with the exception of her eyes. She got those from her mother as well.

"Can I go play with Elise and Julie?" She asked finally.

"Sorry, sweetheart, your sisters have gone out of town for a couple days. They'll be back soon." Ranger replied.

Cami looked at CJ and huffed then stormed away with all the rage an eight year old could storm away with. CJ had the decency to look apologetic as he looked back at his parents.

"It really was an accident." He muttered sauntering away.

"Are you sure they're out of town?" Stephanie asked wrapping an arm around Ranger's waist.

"Just a feeling."

…

Julie and Elise walked into the hotel room several hours later. It was big with two beds. Since they were only staying two days they needed to get down to business. Julie had flown up to see Elise graduate from high school. Since she had started working at RangeMan in Miami, it had been easier to sweet talk the boss into letting her come spend time with the family. It also didn't hurt that he'd put her to work at the Trenton office too if she got antsy.

"Elise, are you sure you want to do this?" She asked again. She'd been asking since Elise told her her plans the previous day.

"Yeah, I do." Elise nodded and fell back into her silent reverie.

….

Elise's POV

I know Mom and Dad love me. I really do. The last 13 years with them have been wonderful. I just…I can't explain to them that somehow I still feel lost. I see CJ and Cami, my fantastic little siblings, and I see how much they take after Mom and Dad. I feel like part of me is missing, that I don't know who I am. I want to know. I researched Mac Donahue using the searches RangeMan had and found out a lot about Mac. I know he loved me. The few memories I do have of him still are burned in my brain and filled with love. And I have his dog tags, along with dad's. I don't think I've ever taken them off. They've become the security blanket I need to be able to function. It sounds silly, but it soothes the five year old inside me that is still terrified of being abandoned.

There's also the fact that they seem to act as a warning system. Funny as it might sound, whenever something bad is going to happen, they warm up against my skin. If things are going to get _really _bad, it feels like the dog tags are burning my skin. I dunno, maybe God decided I needed to have my dads warn me when I'm in trouble. I can't say I'm not grateful. I've gotten out of a lot of trouble with them. I'm a teenager so I'm _bound _to get in trouble, more so because I'm also Carlos Manoso's kid and will rebel against all the trackers and over protectiveness that can go on at times. Well, as of a week and a half ago, I'm an adult. Either way, I'll take the warning system.

Julie and I are in New York to find my birth mother. Lorraine Donahue. From the research I did she never rid herself of Mac's last name. There were some shady parts of town I was going to be going into, but I wasn't too worried. Julie and I both knew a lot of self defense. Again, most of it is because we're Carlos Manoso's kids. We could also both shoot guns, but seeing as how Julie is the only one with a license to carry a concealed, I settled for bringing my taser gun.

I'm hoping while I talk to Lorraine I'll get a sense of who I am. We'll see.

…

Julie watched Elise carefully as they walked through the city. She loved her younger sister, but she wasn't sure how well things were going to go over with Lorraine. She had looked at the research on Lorraine on the way up here. Elise had been thorough on everything. Secretly, Julie hoped Elise would work for RangeMan when she was done after high school. She knew Dad and Steph wanted her to go to college, but working at RangeMan would be fun for Elise. There was a knack for it there, Julie could feel it and had wanted to sit down and talk Ranger about it, but put it on the back burner because she didn't want Elise coming to New York hunting her birth mother alone.

They had come to the less pleasant side of the city. It was nearly dusk. Hookers were lined on the streets. The sisters walked around trying to locate someone who looked like Lorraine.

"Excuse me," Elise walked up to a woman and held up the only photograph she'd been able to find. "Do you know her?"

"Yeah." The woman looked her up and down. "She don't do women."

"I'm not looking for sex." Elise replied with a grim look.

"You a cop?"

"No, this is personal. Where can I find her?"

"She ain't here tonight." The woman took a cigarette out and lit it. She took a long drag. She stared at Elise long and hard. Elise returned the stare with a blank look that would make Ranger proud. Julie stood near, ready to help. She kept watch around the street. Last thing they needed was to be picked up mistaken for hookers. She'd _love _explaining that to all their parents.

The hooker spoke. "I know you." She grinned, showing yellowed teeth. "Yeah, you're Lorraine's brat."

Julie looked over at Elise, who kept her face as schooled as possible, but even her sister could see the surprise flicker across. "You know who I am? Will Lorraine want to see me?"

The woman looked Elise up and down again, then grinned slowly. "Yeah. Yeah, she'll want to see you. She ain't gonna be here til tomorrow afternoon. I'll make sure she's here."

"We'll be back." Elise said. She and Julie headed off. "That seemed too easy, don't you think?"

"Maybe." Julie said glancing back. The hooker was still watching them. "I get the feeling she's telling the truth though."

"Why does something feel off?" Elise sighed.

"Dunno." Julie shrugged. "But we talked about grabbing a show on Broadway. Might as well enjoy the luxury while we're here."

"Yeah." Elise smiled at her older sister.

They went back to their hotel and got changed for the play. While they were sitting in the audience waiting for the show to start, Elise said, "Julie, I enlisted in the Army."

Julie dropped her program and stared at her. "What?"

"You heard me."

"When do you leave?"

"A week after graduation."

"Oh." Julie took a deep breath. She loved her little sister and the thought of her going to war scared her. "Have you told Dad and Steph?"

"No." Elise murmured. "I was going to wait until after graduation."

"Elise, did you do this for Dad?" She asked.

"I did it for both dads." Elise looked at her, her eyes filling. "I feel like I might be closer to Mac if I go into the Army the way he did. I'm not as computer savvy as he was, but being in the army is good enough. And the Rangers just started accepting women…" Her voice trailed off before she said with resolve. "It's something I have to do for me."

Julie wrapped an arm around her. "Okay, _hermanita_, I've got your back. But if you get tired of the army and want to do something else, you should consider working at RangeMan."

"I was thinking about that too." Elise laughed. "Maybe afterward."

"But you have to tell Dad and Steph when we get back."

"I will."

"No, I mean tomorrow." Julie replied. "Just trust me."

…

The next morning they woke and headed down to the same spot in the city where they found the woman. Sure enough the woman was standing there with another woman. Elise scrutinized the woman. She was pale, her lips dry and cracked. Her unnaturally skinny arms had scars where needles had repeatedly punctured the skin. Her dark hair was stringy and oily. There were dark bags under her eyes. She returned the scrutiny as Elise and Julie came closer.

"See, told ya." The other woman said.

"Hunh. I'll be damned. The brat lived." Lorraine said. She looked at Elise. "Come home to mother after all these years?"

"Um. I wanted to talk to you." Elise said. She glanced across the street where a diner was waiting. "Are you hungry?"

"Yeah, sure. You're payin' though. I had to pay my pimp all my money. Fucker just wanted to get high." Lorraine rolled her eyes and walked across the street with Julie and Elise behind her. Unconsciously, Julie felt for the gun in her waistband.

"So." Lorraine leaned back against the plush cushion of the booth seat. She looked Elise up and down. "You sure do look like me and Mac. I'd've recognized you soon enough."

"Did you love him?" Elise asked before she could stop herself. Then realized she wanted to know. She'd been raised by two people who loved each other more than life. Love was a crucial part of her upbringing.

"Eh, it was good sex. Then he knocked me up. Wanted to do the right thing by me so he married me." Elise could feel Julie tense. It sounded similar enough to Julie's own background. "We stayed married a few years, but I guess he followed his dick to greener pastures."

"He wouldn't." Elise shook her head. Her dog tags were warming against her skin. She knew her father wouldn't do that. The little bit Stephanie had told her about him told her enough that he would never do something like that.

"What do you know? You were a fucking toddler." Lorraine shook her head as the waitress approached. "Gimme a large sub. With a coke."

Elise and Julie placed their orders and looked back at Lorraine. Elise took a deep breath. "I don't remember you looking so…so…"

"Like a cracked up whore?" Lorraine supplied, and then shrugged. "It's the way this life is. When your no good daddy walked out, I had to support you somehow. You should be thanking me I kept you alive."

"But you wanted to keep me from Mac." Elise said.

"Course I did. I was _protecting _you." Lorraine drew out the word as though Elise wasn't aware of what it meant. "I knew what kind of man he was."

"And what kind of man was he?" Julie asked coolly. Elise almost smiled. The tone of voice was the female version of Ranger all over when was using his authoritative voice.

"A fuckin' prick." Lorraine snapped. "Went to England to help some little bitch for some old fart. Probably fucked her brains out and knocked her up too."

"If you didn't like Mac, why did you send me to visit him?"

"The old fart paid a handsome amount to have you go there." She laughed then coughed. "I would've goaded more money outta him but word is he croaked. Probably had the little bitch ridin' him too hard."

Julie put a hand on Elise's wrist, restraining her. Lorraine would never know what hit her if Elise lashed out physically, but Julie had a feeling Lorraine wasn't above suing to get money. Although, Julie reflected idly, it could be interesting to watch Ranger and Stephanie rip the woman apart in court.

"How is your daddy?" Lorraine asked oblivious to the murderous look in Elise's eyes.

"He's dead."

"Really?" That caught Lorraine's interest. "What happen? Angry husband? When did he die?"

"He was attacked and killed when I was five." Elise said through gritted teeth.

"Oh really? And why weren't you brought back to me? I am your mother. I would've taken care of you."

"You signed your parental rights away." Julie said coldly. "Her legal guardian was given custody and adopted her later. And I find it hard to believe you would have taken care of your daughter."

"Julie, shut up." Elise muttered.

"Yeah, Julie, shut up and let me and _my daughter _talk." Lorraine said snidely. She looked at Elise. "You're pretty. You'd've made a good one."

"A good what?" Elise asked.

"Whore." She laughed. "Oh, boy, my pimp, he'd have _loved _you."

The dog tags were starting to burn her skin.

"You would have sold me?" Elise whispered.

"Course." Lorraine shrugged. "This aint the rich and glamorous. You gotta earn your keep. There are some men who'd pay lots for a cute little girl like you."

Bile rose. Elise took a slow deep breath. She'd found all she needed. "I'm done here."

She stood and moved to leave, but Lorraine caught her wrist and held it in a vice like grip. "You think you're better than me, don't you?"

"I would never sell a child into prostitution." Elise said trying to shake Lorraine off her.

Lorraine stood up. "That don't make you better than me. You're just a child. I bet I could still get you sold. You'd never know what hit you."

The dog tags made her stomach feel like it was on fire.

"Shit." Julie muttered reaching for her gun. There were several people standing, looking to surround them. Elise looked around as well. She didn't know about Julie but she couldn't take six men, especially since they were beginning to surround them.

"Lorraine!" A man yelled. He was a scrawny man with a balding head. He was wearing a suit that looked like it came out of the eighties. "You're supposed to be on your corner." He slapped her.

"Paulie, look!" She pointed at Elise. "I told you I could get her back." Her voice was whining. "I promised I'd get her back!"

"You've been saying that for ten years." Paulie snarled but looked at Elise, giving her an appraising look. "Yeah, you'll do good. I bet I can get at least a couple grand out of you."

He reached out to touch her, but Elise slapped his hand away. "You stupid bitch!" He growled and backhanded her. Elise staggered but held her ground. Paulie was lifting his hand again.

"I'd really not recommend it." Julie said aiming her gun at him.

"I'm not armed."

"I don't care."

"You can't take all my men here." Paulie gestured around him. The men were inching closer.

"I don't have to take all your men. Just you." Julie replied calmly.

"You won't."

Without hesitation, Julie aimed the gun above his head and fired. Bits of ceiling dropped down on Paulie's head. Julie remained calm. "Lorraine let go of my sister. Paulie, make one more move toward her and I'll shoot your fucking balls off."

No one moved. Everything seemed to have frozen in place. Elise didn't move because there were so many men near and she knew if she did they'd be on her in a second. Julie held the gun on Paulie.

The bell on the door jingled as it opened.

"What seems to be the problem?" There were at least a dozen officers in the diner now. Paulie's men took one look at them and all returned to their meals. None of them had a desire to be arrested today.

"No problem officer, just having a friendly chat with my long lost daughter." Lorraine said smiling.

"The grip you've got on her wrist is a bit more than friendly." The officer said and looked over at Julie. "Ma'am, care to put that away?"

Julie put her gun away and came to Elise's side. She pulled her sister out of Lorraine's hold. The officer smiled at them and murmured softly, "Go home. We'll make sure they stay where they're at."

…

Julie drove them toward home, glancing over at Elise every so often. Elise seemed to go into shock the moment Paulie walked into the diner. She hadn't been able to snap out of it. Everything she was doing was on auto-pilot.

When the car began slowing down, she murmured, "Fuck."

Elise looked over. The gas light was on. When Julie got them safely off the road, Elise unbuckled and hurried out of the car. Julie watched her rush over to trees. She could see the heaving motion of her back and knew Elise's was losing everything she'd eaten. With a sigh she took her phone out.

"Yo."

"Dad."

"Julie."

"Can you come get us?" She gave the coordinates. "We ran out of gas."

"Julie."

"It was a slight oversight that would've been caught but…" Her voice drifted off. "Dad, Elise needs you right now."

"Be there in a bit."

True to form, Ranger showed up with a tow truck behind him. Julie was sitting on the hood of the car staring at her sister. Elise hadn't moved from the spot by the trees. Every so often, she would see Elise hunch over again. She was pretty sure her sister didn't have anything left in her stomach.

"Hey, kiddo." Lester walked over and helped them get the car on the tow truck. After he took off, Ranger leaned back against his car with Julie next to him.

"What happened?"

"She wanted to see her birth mother." Julie answered as they watched Elise hunch over and dry heave again. Julie told Ranger the events and watched as Ranger's blank face came on briefly. When she finished he sighed and walked to the back seat of his SUV. There was a cooler in it that had several bottles of water. He grabbed one and walked over to Elise.

"Munchkin," Ranger rubbed her back and handed her the bottle of water. She didn't say anything but rinsed her mouth out.

"What are you doing here?" She asked hoarsely. Her throat hurt.

"You ran out of gas."

"Oh."

"Let's go home."

Ranger and Julie were very much aware of the silence Elise was emitting from the backseat. Ranger knew Elise was quiet in general, it had been something that he had hoped she would grow out of as she got older, but she seemed to like observing people. It seemed to be her way of looking at life. In the rearview mirror he saw her lift her dog tags out of her shirt and look at them speculatively. She kissed them and tucked them back in her shirt.

"How was New York?" Stephanie asked with a smile when they walked through the door. Her smile died when she saw Elise. She looked like she had been sick and was about to be again. She didn't answer Stephanie, just walked up stairs to her room.

"What happened?" She demanded looking at her husband.

"We met Lorraine." Julie explained. She sighed. "Lorraine apparently promised her pimp that she could get Elise back. He tried to but I threatened to shoot off his balls if he touched her."

"Why did she meet her?" Stephanie knew from what Brett had told her, as well as all the research she and Ranger had done when they thought Lorraine might try to fight to take Elise back, that Lorraine was no good.

"She wanted to get a…sense of self." Julie shrugged. "I didn't want her to go alone."

"It's a good thing she didn't." Stephanie sighed. "I'll go talk to her."

…

Elise's POV

I spent most of the night in my room. My stomach was rolling and every time I thought of what Lorraine had been willing to do with me I found myself rushing toward the bathroom. I couldn't eat. Mom had tried to get me to, but I just couldn't bring myself to knowing it wouldn't stay in my stomach.

When I slept, I dreamt…

_I was walking outside along the river. The day was perfect. In front of me stood Mac. "Daddy?"_

_"Hi, little girl." He smiled and hugged me. "You're not so little anymore, are you?"_

_"Nope. I'm graduating high school and joining the Army." I answered._

_"I'm proud of you. So are your parents."_

_"Daddy, I met Lorraine."_

_"I know." Mac smiled sadly. "She wasn't like that always. It wasn't until after our divorce things went downhill."_

_"She was willing to sell me." I whispered._

_"This is why I'm glad I finally won custody before anyone could find out what she was going to do. She was good at hiding things then, but her habits caught up with her." Mac hugged me tighter. "You've got two people who love you to death. Talk to them."_

Then I woke.

My throat was dry, my eyes were puffy from crying whenever I dry heaved. I made my way downstairs and found Dad sitting at the island in the middle of the kitchen calmly reading the paper. He looked up at me. "Munchkin."

"Hi, Daddy." I whispered.

"How are you feeling?"

"Drained." I admitted. I saw Mom walk in. She paused when she looked at me, eyes inquiring. She had tried talking to me last night, but at the time I wasn't having any of it.

"Elise?" She asked.

"I wanted to know who I am." I blurted out before I could stop myself. "CJ and Cami, they both came from you guys. I didn't. I just wanted to understand where I came from."

"Did you find the answers you're looking for?" Dad asked.

I angled my head. "Sort of." I muttered. "I know that I'm glad Mac got me out of Lorraine's hands and put me with people who love me. I..uh...sortofjoinedtheArmylastweek."

"I'm sorry, repeat that." Mom said slowly.

With a deep breath I said. "I joined the Army last week." I explained to them that it was something I was doing for me. I omitted the part about the Rangers. For now.

Later at graduation the Principal said into the microphone "_Elise Donahue Manoso_." I stepped forward and took my diploma. I looked over and saw my family. The love and pride was so evident on their faces. Tears filled my eyes as I grinned at them. I realized that I didn't care where I had come from. I cared who loved me, and my family loved me no matter what. I came from them.


End file.
